Someone ranked Hogwarts’ most dateable students, and the castle has officially lost its mind. Friendships are cracking, egos are bleeding, and everyone wants to know who put them where—and why.
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@epilogue🪶 anon was added to Hogwarts: A Group Chat
🪶 anon: MOST DATEABLE STUDENTS TOP 30!
🪶 anon: 🥇 cedric diggory 🥈 cho chang 🥉 michael corner 🏅 ginny weasley 🎖️ blaise zabini 6) harry potter 7) hermione granger 8) parvati patil 9) zacharias smith 10) fred weasley 11) neville longbottom 12) ron weasley 13) {y/n} 14) george weasley 15) dean thomas 16) astoria greengrass 17) hannah abbot 18) draco malfoy 19) terry boot 20) seamus finnegan 21) daphne greengrass 22) anthony goldstein 23) theodore nott 24) oliver wood (graduated but still!) 25) susan bones 26) lavender brown 😬 27) pansy parkinson 28) millicent bulstrode 29) padma patil 30) vincent crabbe
🪶 anon: and the rest of u didn’t even place.. bye!
🪶 anon has left the chat
The chat goes silent for exactly four seconds.
Then absolute chaos.
Pansy Parkinson
WHO MADE THIS???
I’m ranked BELOW LAVENDER BROWN????
Lavender Brown
excuse me????
i’m at least a 26, that’s not even bad
Pansy Parkinson
that’s not the point!!
the POINT is that i should be top 5 AT LEAST
and who even is this “anon”
absolutely pathetic, hiding behind a fake name
Cedric Diggory
I… uh.
I appreciate the vote of confidence but I don’t think this is a good thing.
Being ranked first feels like setting me up for a fight.
Fred Weasley
oh no cedric, you’re the golden boy, you deserve it
i think we should all riot that george is below ron though
George Weasley
completely agree, i’m far more dateable than ron
Fred Weasley
i mean. objectively.
Ron Weasley
WHAT
i’m TWELVE
you’re FOURTEEN
that’s not objective at all
George Weasley
it’s purely vibes ronnie
Ron Weasley
i hate it here
Hermione Granger
This is extremely problematic for so many reasons.
Ranking people by “dateability” is inherently subjective, reductive, and—
Ron Weasley
hermione you’re SEVENTH, you’re fine
Hermione Granger
That’s not the point, Ron!
Harry Potter
also can we talk about how i’m at SIX
like i was almost top five
that’s weird, right?
why am i on this list at ALL
Fred Weasley
because you’re famous harry, people love that
Harry Potter
i hate it here too
Ron Weasley
welcome to the club mate
Zacharias Smith
I have to say, being ranked NINTH feels like a crime.
I’m clearly top five material.
Lavender Brown
zacharias being smug??? shocking
Zacharias Smith
I’m just stating facts, Lavender.
And I notice you didn’t dispute my placement.
Lavender Brown
i’m not kissing your ego
someone has to keep you humble
Zacharias Smith
And who gave you that job?
Lee Jordan
WAIT
hold on
i wasn’t even mentioned?!!
The chat freezes. A singular, devastating silence.
Lee Jordan
i’m literally the funniest person at this school
and i’m not even on the LISTS
this is the greatest injustice of my lifetime
and i’ve seen harry’s hair after a quidditch game
Angelina Johnson
lee you’re going to be okay
you’re not top 30 dateable and that’s fine
Lee Jordan
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO AGREE
Angelina Johnson
i’m just being honest
Lee Jordan
i’m in pain
this is a tragedy
i’m calling my lawyer
George Weasley
who was it then 👀
Fred Weasley
yeah who’s the anon
don’t be shy now
Pansy Parkinson
clearly someone with terrible taste
Neville Longbottom
um i’m just going to say
i’m ELEVENTH??
i didn’t even know people thought about me like that
this is really weird
Hermione Granger
Neville, that’s wonderful! You should be proud!
Neville Longbottom
i guess???
i just feel like it might be a prank
Fred Weasley
nah neville, we take our dateability rankings seriously here
George Weasley
it’s a sacred institution
Ginny Weasley
i’m FOURTH
i don't know how to feel about this
Fred Weasley
be proud gin, you beat harry
Ginny Weasley
that’s not a high bar fred
harry’s hair is tragic
Harry Potter
i am RIGHT here
Ginny Weasley
i know
Mattheo Riddle
lmaooo this list is so biased
draco at 18???
astronomically funny
Draco Malfoy
Shut up, Riddle.
I don’t even care about this stupid list.
Mattheo Riddle
sure you don’t
that’s why you’re arguing in the group chat at 7am
Lorenzo Berkshire
draco, your ears are red
Draco Malfoy
They are NOT.
Lorenzo Berkshire
they are
Draco Malfoy
I hate you.
Pansy Parkinson
draco deserves to be higher
this list is rigged
i bet the person who made it is a gryffindor
Dean Thomas
why are you blaming us
we didn’t make it
Seamus Finnegan
yeah, we didn’t even put neville at 11, we’d put him higher
Neville Longbottom
please stop talking about me
Michael Corner
I’m THIRD.
Absolutely deserved, but I didn’t expect to be this high.
Cho Chang
you’re being so weird about this michael
Michael Corner
I’m just saying, it’s accurate.
Cho Chang
ugh
where’s the person who made this
i have QUESTIONS about my placement
Theodore Nott
23.
i do not care.
but for the record, whoever made this has clearly never had a conversation with me.
Blaise Zabini
5. I’m satisfied.
Pansy Parkinson
of course you are
you’re in the top five
if i was at 5 i’d be satisfied too
Lorenzo Berkshire
pansy you’re at 27
Pansy Parkinson
I KNOW
I CAN COUNT
Astoria Greengrass
daph, you’re at 21
that’s not a bad spot
Daphne Greengrass
I know.
I’m just wondering who ranked me there.
And why they think I’m below my own sister.
Astoria Greengrass
i mean
i’m pretty great
Daphne Greengrass
Astoria.
Astoria Greengrass
what
i’m just saying
16 is a solid number
Lavender Brown
pansy you keep saying you can count but you’re still at 27
Pansy Parkinson
THAT’S NOT FUNNY
Lavender Brown
it’s a little funny
Fred Weasley
she’s got you there panda
Pansy Parkinson
it’s PANSY
Fred Weasley
sure it is
Lorenzo Berkshire
okay but who actually made this
i’m genuinely curious
the formatting is too clean for it to be an accident
Mattheo Riddle
maybe it was a ravenclaw
they love ranking things
Cho Chang
excUSЕ me
Mattheo Riddle
you’re proving my point
Terry Boot
we don’t all do that
some of us have actual hobbies
Mattheo Riddle
like what
Terry Boot
i play chess
Mattheo Riddle
nerdy
Terry Boot
thanks
Hermione Granger
Can we please focus?
Someone made a list ranking students without their consent, and now the entire school is arguing about it.
Shouldn’t we be more concerned about the invasion of privacy?
Harry Potter
hermione it’s 7am
nobody’s thinking about privacy this early
Hermione Granger
That’s exactly the problem!
Ron Weasley
you need to calm down
eat something
you get cranky when you haven’t eaten
Hermione Granger
I’ve eaten!
I’m not cranky!
Fred Weasley
you literally just said “invasion of privacy” about a dating list
that’s the crankiest thing i’ve ever heard
George Weasley
fred’s right
you need a biscuit
Hermione Granger
I DO NOT NEED A BISCUIT
The chat continues to spiral as the entire school wakes up to the most controversial piece of parchment to ever grace Hogwarts.