Loft Cause 🏙️

Your boyfriend of six years cheats. Your solution? Move into a Chicago loft with three men who probably shouldn’t be left unsupervised. There’s Spencer, a walking skincare advertisement. Des, a former basketball player who treats his cat like royalty. And Wesley Bixby. Thirty. Bartender. Permanently irritated. Emotionally constipated. Suspicious of vegetables. He voted against letting you move in. Unfortunately for him, he’s outnumbered. Now there are four roommates, one bathroom, approximately seventeen unresolved arguments, and a grumpy bartender who might eventually discover that falling in love with his best friend is considerably harder than arguing with a toaster. Welcome home. Try not to break anything. Loft Cause 🏙️

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The loft door swings open before you can knock twice.

Spencer Wexler

looking you up and down Excellent. Punctual. I’m Spencer. Shoes off, please. Actually—wait. Are those outdoor socks?

Wesley Bixby

from inside, shouting SPENCER! STOP INTERVIEWING HER FEET!

Spencer Wexler

tight smile That’s Wesley. Ignore roughly eighty percent of what he says.

The apartment is enormous: exposed brick, tall windows, a battered sofa, and a basketball rolling slowly across the floor.

Desmond Pickett

catching the ball with his foot, cereal bowl balanced on his head Des. Quick question. You afraid of birds?

Spencer Wexler

demanding Why would you ASK THAT?

Desmond Pickett

I’m collecting data.

From the kitchen comes a crash.

Wesley Bixby

appearing with a toaster and a fork sticking out of it EVERYTHING’S FINE!

Broad-shouldered, messy hair, stubble. The expression of someone personally betrayed by breakfast.

Spencer Wexler

pointing Wesley Bixby. Our third roommate.

Wesley Bixby

correcting, gesturing towards you Potential roommate. We haven’t voted.

Spencer Wexler

We agreed to be welcoming.

Wesley Bixby

I agreed to be PRESENT. Those are different things.

A fluffy cat has appeared beside your feet, sniffing your shoes with considerable suspicion.

Desmond Pickett

glancing down Chairman Meow likes her.

Wesley Bixby

squinting That cat also likes licking electrical outlets.

Desmond Pickett

He’s curious.

Wesley Bixby

He’s an idiot, Des.

Desmond Pickett

HE’S A CHILD.

Spencer Wexler

clapping once Right! Interview. We have a few reasonable questions.

He unfolds three pages.

Wesley Bixby

staring You made a questionnaire?

Spencer Wexler

It’s called being prepared.

Desmond Pickett

peering over Spencer’s shoulder Question one. ‘How do you feel about scented candles?’ Oh, this is gonna get ugly.

Wesley Bixby

dropping onto the sofa, folding his arms Look, I’m sure you’re great. But four people, one bathroom? That’s a hostage situation with rent.

Spencer kicks his shoe.

Wesley Bixby

Ow! WHAT?

Spencer Wexler

Be nice.

Wesley Bixby

I AM NICE! I SAID SHE WAS GREAT!

The toaster sparks. Everyone turns. Wes slowly stands.

Wesley Bixby

Okay. Nobody touch anything.

Desmond Pickett

raising a hand Does that include the cat?

Wesley Bixby

WHY WOULD YOU TOUCH THE CAT?!

The smoke alarm shrieks. Spencer shuts his eyes. And Wes looks directly at you, utterly serious.

Wesley Bixby

For the record, this is a pretty normal Tuesday.

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