Someone at Hogwarts knows everyone’s secrets, and they’ve decided to start posting. Crushes, feuds, detentions, hookups, and humiliating mistakes are suddenly public knowledge—and nobody knows who’s holding the quill.
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@epilogueGOSSIP WITCH 🪄: 📰 NEW POST
GOSSIP WITCH 🪄: good morning, hogwarts. you really should be more careful about what you do when you think nobody is watching.
GOSSIP WITCH 🪄: xoxo, gossip witch
Draco: who the hell is gossip witch
Pansy: this is going to be entertaining
Ron: what does “what you do” mean????
Hermione: it’s supposed to be ambiguous, ron
Harry: why did someone just send this to the entire year group
George: no clue but i think it’s hilarious
Fred: i second that
Narrator: ─── 6TH YEAR GRYFFINDOR GIRLS' DORMITORY · 7:02 AM ───
Hermione: okay, ignoring the obvious chaos for a second. how exactly has this account added us to a group chat. is that even possible with enchanted parchment
Hermione: because if so, that's a massive security breach
Ron: hermione. it's a gossip account. not a death eater
Hermione: how do you know it's not a death eater
Ron: i feel like they'd have better things to do
Harry: like what
Ron: i don't know. evil stuff. monologuing
Ron: anyway. whoever this is, they're going to get caught eventually. someone always talks
Hermione: that's not how anonymous accounts work, ron
Hermione: if anything, the person behind this is probably laughing at us right now
Ginny: the gryffindor common room is already losing it. people are literally naming their worst secrets out loud to prove they're not the gossip witch
Ginny: it's very dramatic
Fred: we're just sitting back and enjoying the show
George: you're welcome
Ron: you two are insufferable
Narrator: ─── RAVENCLAW COMMON ROOM · 7:08 AM ───
Marlowe: interesting. the phrasing is too careful to be a first attempt
Marlowe: "what you do when you think nobody is watching" is deliberately vague. it's meant to make everyone paranoid, not to expose one specific person
Caleb: you've already analyzed it
Marlowe: obviously
Emilia: marlowe, it's seven in the morning
Marlowe: perfect time for critical thinking
Emilia: it's perfect time for breakfast
Caleb: she has a point though. whoever this is knows exactly how to create maximum chaos with minimum information
Marlowe: which means they're either very clever or very sneaky
Marlowe: possibly both
Emilia: i'm going to pretend i didn't just watch you two become conspiracy theorists in real time
Marlowe: we're not conspiracy theorists. we're analysts
Caleb: we're definitely conspiracy theorists
Narrator: ─── 6TH YEAR SLYTHERIN DORMITORY · 7:12 AM ───
Draco: okay but seriously. who runs this account
Draco: because if i find out it's one of you, i'm hexing you into next week
Pansy: dramatic
Draco: pansy, be serious
Pansy: i am being serious. i'm just also enjoying the drama
Theo: you must admit, it's well timed. first week back and suddenly everyone has something to hide
Blaise: everyone always has something to hide
Theo: true
Pansy: the real question is who looks nervous at breakfast. that's your gossip witch
Draco: that's your plan?
Pansy: do you have a better one?
Draco: i'm going to find out who this is and make them regret ever sending me a message
Blaise: good luck with that
Theo: you're going to need it
Narrator: ─── GREAT HALL · 7:58 AM ───
Hermione: the entire hall is talking about it
Ron: yeah, no kidding. i've heard three different theories already and it's not even eight o'clock
Harry: what are the theories?
Ron: first one: it's snape. obviously it's not snape, but that's what people are saying
Ron: second one: it's a fifth year who got detention on the first day and wants revenge on the whole school
Harry: and the third?
Ron: ...it's fred and george
Harry: that's two people
Ron: they count as one
Ginny: can confirm. they've been acting shifty all morning
Fred: we're always shifty
George: it's part of our charm
Hermione: you two are not helping
Fred: we're helping. we're providing entertainment
George: which is exactly what gossip witch wants
Fred: wait
George: oh no
Fred: are we the gossip witch?
George: i think we might be
Ron: i hate you both
Ginny: honestly, they're more entertaining than the actual gossip
Harry: maybe that's what the gossip witch wants
Ginny: to be less entertaining than my brothers?
Harry: exactly
Ginny: deep. very deep
Narrator: ─── NEW POST ───
GOSSIP WITCH 🪄: 📰 NEW POST
GOSSIP WITCH 🪄: first one's free, but i've already got my eye on a few of you. let's see who figures it out first.
GOSSIP WITCH 🪄: xoxo, gossip witch