The summer holidays are supposed to be peaceful. Instead, a group chat containing Gryffindors, Slytherins, several deeply questionable people, and Professor Snape descends into complete chaos. Theo confuses Harry, Ron and Draco argue constantly, Cormac embarrasses himself daily, and Snape enjoys every second of it.
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@cherixTheodore Nott has created a group chat and adds random people alongside everyone else
Tuesday 3:47 AM
Theodore
HEY SEXY BITCHES
sends a picture of himself shirtless, mid-laugh, cigarette dangling from his lips, clearly taken in a dimly lit bedroom, his expression half-crazed and half-charming
Fuck
WHY CANT I DELETE IT
Theo
changes the group chat image to a zoomed-in photo of his own bare ass, poorly angled, flash on, with a red-eyed glare like a raccoon caught in headlights
adds Big Kev and Ziggy to the chat
Big Kev
this isnt the bingo
Ziggy
Theo mate hows your nonna
Mattheo
well hello to you too or are you excited to see me bro?
Theodore
MATTHEO HELP ME YOU PRICK
Mattheo
help with what?
oh my god
THEO WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT
Theodore
I DIDNT MEAN TO SEND IT
I MEANT TO SEND THE SELFIE
THE SHIRTLESS ONE
NOT THE OTHER ONE
Mattheo
WHICH ONE IS THE OTHER ONE
IS THAT YOUR-
Theodore
SHUT UP
Draco Malfoy has left the chat
Draco Malfoy has been added to the chat by Theodore
Theo
no you dont
you suffer with the rest of us
changes the group chat name to 'DRACO HAS SEEN IT'
Draco
I am going to commit a crime
Theo
changes the group chat name to 'THEO DIDNT MEAN IT (HE DID)'
Hermione
what is happening
why am I in this chat
who added me
Theo
i did
obviously
Hermione
Theodore.
Theo
hermione granger
in the chat
this is the best day of my life
sends a selfie of himself pulling a stupid face
hi
Hermione
why
Harry
what the hell is going on
I just got woken up by 47 notifications
and the first thing I saw was-
I need to wash my eyes with bleach
Ron
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
MATTHEO THATS YOUR BROTHER
Mattheo
im disowning him
right now
in this chat
legally
Theo
you cant disown me legally in a group chat
Mattheo
watch me
Ginny
i took a screenshot
for blackmail purposes
obviously
Theo
NO
Ginny
yes
its already saved in 3 places
try me
Theo
this is why i never trusted gryffindors
Cormac
sends a photo of his own penis, poorly angled, bathroom lighting, mirror in the background, his face half-cropped out of frame with a smug grin, the photo blurry and badly lit, making the entire thing look like a crime scene
so ladies what do you rate my dick??
sends another photo, this time from directly above, even worse lighting, his hand visible holding the phone, stomach slightly in frame, the angle aggressively unflattering
be honest
im not sensitive
sends a third photo, somehow worse than the first two, his face now visible in the corner with a wink, the entire image a disaster of overexposure and bad decisions
Theo
WHY ARE THERE THREE
THREE
WHY DID YOU SEND THREE
Cormac
i have a rash on my balls and my cum smells when i accidently ate it what do you think it is anyone had this before?
Hermione
WHAT
Harry
YOU ATE IT?!!
YOU ATE YOUR OWN-
Ron
IM GONNA BE SICK
WHY WOULD YOU TELL US THAT
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
Cormac
i thought it would be fine
Hermione
WHAT PART OF THAT SOUNDED FINE
Daphne
I am going to pretend I did not read that.
Pansy
i am going to pretend cormac does not exist
which is not hard because he is a walking embarrassment to the concept of men
Ginny
cormac you are the reason i dont believe in love
Cormac
thats a bit harsh
im a catch
Theo
a catch of WHAT exactly
diseases?
because i think you caught all of them
Cormac
thats homophobic
Theo
that is NOT homophobic
that is SCIENCE
and basic observation
Albus Dumbledore has joined the chat
Dumbledore
Ah, Severus!
I believe I have finally figured out how to send photographs through this contraption.
sends a photo of his own genitals, ancient and startlingly pale, the angle accidental and deeply unfortunate, the image grainy and clearly taken on an old phone
Is this how it works?
Severus Snape has joined the chat
Severus
Albus.
What have you done.
Dumbledore
I sent a photograph!
Did it work?
Severus
You sent the wrong photograph.
Dumbledore
Oh dear.
Which photograph did I send?
Severus
The one that will require me to find a new place of employment.
Theo
I WANT TO DIE
I WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW
I WANT TO DIE AND I WANT TO TAKE EVERYONE IN THIS CHAT WITH ME
Mattheo
im actually crying
this is the best day of my life
Harry
this is the worst day of my life
Ron
i cant breathe
i genuinely cannot breathe
dumbledore sent WHAT
Ginny
i regret everything
i regret being born
i regret evolving from apes
Neville
oh no
oh no no no no
i just opened my phone
in public
in front of my grandmother
she asked me what was wrong
i couldnt tell her
i will never be able to tell her
i have to live with this knowledge forever
Dumbledore
I do not understand why everyone is upset.
It is simply a photograph.
Severus
Albus.
Dumbledore
Yes, Severus?
Severus
Delete the photograph.
Dumbledore
Which one?
Severus
All of them.
Especially the last one.
Dumbledore
Very well.
Theo
TOO LATE
I ALREADY HAVE IT SAVED
EVERYONE HAS IT SAVED
THIS IS ETERNAL
THIS IS FOREVER
Dumbledore
I do not believe this is appropriate behaviour for a group chat.
Theo
I AGREE
AND YET
HERE WE ARE
Lord Voldemort has been added to the group chat
Voldemort
someone kill the spotty dicked one
Mattheo
DAD?
Voldemort
Hello my least favourite son
Mattheo
im your only son
Voldemort
is Tom there 🙈🙈 what does this emoji mean? 🍆🍆
Theo
OH MY GOD
HE USED THE EGGPLANT
DAD USED THE EGGPLANT
Mattheo
why do you know about emojis
who taught you about emojis
Voldemort
Delphini
Delphini
what
i did NOT
i was framed
this is slander
Voldemort
Delphini showed me a website called TikTok
I have seen many things
I have decided to spare the world from the knowledge of what I have seen
Tom
Father.
Voldemort
Ah, Tom.
I was wondering when you would appear.
Tom
I was hoping this chat would be a temporary inconvenience.
I was wrong.
It appears to be a permanent disaster.
Theo
welcome to the party
by the way
rate the group chat out of ten
Tom
Negative five.
Theo
valid
Draco Malfoy has left the chat
Draco Malfoy has been added to the chat by Theodore
Theo
no
you stay
you suffer
this is your punishment for existing
Draco
I am going to find you, Theodore.
I am going to find you and I am going to end you.
Theo
worth it
also youve seen my ass now
we're bonded forever
get used to it