The Valentine shit show · Y/n story by @zainabbbbb

The Great Hall on the morning of February 14th looked like a Pepto-Bismol bottle had exploded in a Hallmark factory and then been hit with a Glitter-Bomb Jinx. Every surface dripped with lurid pink and red streamers. Enchanted, heart-shaped confetti fell from the enchanted ceiling in a slow, relentless blizzard, sticking to hair and porridge with equal, annoying dedication. The air smelled of cheap chocolate and desperate optimism. Welcome to Hogwarts’ first annual Valentine Circuit. I’m Cupid. No, not the chubby baby with a bow—think of me as the chaotic, sarcastic ghost in the machine, here to roast this entire disaster in real time. Buckle up.

Pansy Parkinson

drapes herself on the bench next to Draco Ugh. It looks like a love potion vomited in here. Who approved this?

Blaise Zabini

lazily stirring his coffee The same people who think mandatory fun is a concept that works. I give it until noon before someone gets chased by a screaming bouquet.

Theodore Nott

At least the confetti’s biodegradable. Probably. picks a pink heart out of his butter Want a garnish, Draco?

Draco Malfoy

ignores the confetti It’s a spectacle. That’s the point.

A few seats down, Astoria Greengrass was applying a careful, winsome smile as she leaned toward Draco’s general vicinity.

Astoria Greengrass

It’s rather sweet, don’t you think? A school-wide celebration of… sentiment. lets out a light, practiced laugh I heard there’s even a ranking system. Like a tournament.

Pansy Parkinson

snorts A tournament of cringe. I can’t wait to see who comes in last.

The doors to the Great Hall swung open again. In walked the new transfer student, Y/n. You moved with a calm that seemed to physically repel the floating confetti. You took a seat at the far end of the Slytherin table, as far from the pastel epicenter as possible, and began calmly buttering toast.

Professor Flitwick

standing on a conjured podium at the staff table, tapping his goblet with a spoon Ahem! If I could have your attention, please!

The chatter died to a low, suspicious hum. Flitwick beamed, looking like a very pleased garden gnome.

Professor Flitwick

Welcome, welcome, to the inaugural day of the Valentine Circuit! A week-long festival of camaraderie and, ah, mature emotional expression! To ensure everyone participates with the proper… sincerity… I will now cast the Valentine’s Enhancement Charm over the Hall!

He gave his wand a cheerful, complicated flick. A wave of shimmering, rose-gold light pulsed out from his wand tip, washing over every student, every decoration, every single heart-shaped object in the room.

The Pink Envelope

in a high, tremulous voice Dearest Timothy… I have admired you from afar since September. I love the way you… you… voice cracks YOU MISPLACED YOUR QUILL IN CHARMS AND LOOKED SO ADORABLY CONFUSED!

Timothy turned the color of beetroot. The envelope began to sob theatrically.

The Pink Envelope

YOU PROBABLY DON’T EVEN KNOW MY NAME! THIS IS HOPELESS! It zoomed in frantic circles around his head, wailing.

Chaos, as they say, ensued. Chocolate boxes sprouted little legs and began tap-dancing toward their recipients. A bouquet of roses near the Gryffindor table started singing a off-key, weepy rendition of “Can’t Help Falling in Love.” A teddy bear hugged a Ravenclaw girl’s ankle and refused to let go, whispering tragic poetry.