sprawled in one of the armchairs, scrolling through his phone You're telling me Longbottom actually managed to melt his sixth cauldron? That's not even impressive anymore. That's a talent.

from the sofa, legs tucked under her I heard Macmillan say he's already been kicked out of Potions twice this term. Slughorn looks like he's aged ten years.

smoothing the sleeve of her jumper That's called surviving Gryffindor incompetence. I'm amazed the school hasn't collapsed.

sprawled across the floor, head propped on a cushion Honestly, I'd pay to watch one of those classes. Just to see how bad it gets.

You'd pay to watch paint dry if it meant skipping your own homework.

That's different. Paint doesn't explode.

snorting That's the most action you've had all year, Lorenzo.

leaning forward from the end of the sofa Okay but genuinely — can we talk about how first years are braver than we were?

In what way?

They actually admit when they fancy someone. Half of them are already snogging in random corridors. We were all too busy pretending we didn't care.

grinning Speak for yourself. I knew exactly who I fancied in first year. I just had the good sense to keep my mouth shut about it.

And now you'll never shut up about it.

sitting up straighter Ooh, wait. This is good. First kisses. Who had theirs first?

This is a terrible conversation.

You're only saying that because you don't want to answer.

Theo's right, actually. This feels like it's going to end with someone lying to protect their dignity.

ignoring Blaise Mine was third year. Ravenclaw girl. Can't remember her name.

snorting You can't remember her name?

I was thirteen! It lasted about four seconds and she said I tasted like pumpkin juice.

Oh, that's awful.

smirking Mine was second year. That Macmillan girl. She kissed me behind Greenhouse Three.

Behind Greenhouse Three? That's so unromantic.

We were twelve. The romance was the greenhouses.

calmly I haven't had mine.

What?

I'm not in a rush. I'd rather it be with someone I actually like than just to say I've done it.

tilting her head That's weirdly mature of you.

Thank you, Pansy. That means so much.

ignoring her Anyway. Mattheo.

You've been awfully quiet over there. Don't think you're getting out of this.