I have had enough.

slowly rises from his throne, pointing a single, dramatic finger You.

blinks …Me?

Yes, you.

frowns, genuinely confused What did I do?

Nothing.

I literally started two wars last week.

throws his hands in the air And yet you still have no wife!

snorts

snickers

chokes on his wine

looks genuinely offended I fail to see the problem.

marches down the steps, pointing accusingly at various gods The problem is that everyone here has someone! Hera. Married. Poseidon. Married. Hades. Somehow married.

echoing from somewhere far below I can hear you.

ignores him completely Aphrodite? Complicated, but not alone. Hermes has enough admirers to populate a small kingdom. Even Dionysus has people following him around!

raises his cup proudly, grin splitting his face

turns back to Ares, finger trembling with the weight of his point And then there’s you.

looks left, looks right …What’s wrong with me?

You are thousands of years old.

Correct.

You are one of the most powerful Gods in existence.

Also correct.

You have no wife. No children. No love life. Nothing.

crosses his arms I have a dog.

You have a giant war beast that eats soldiers.

He wags his tail.

Ares. You have one mortal year to find someone and get married. Or at least have a lover.

whispers Oh, this is going to be hilarious.

stares …What?

You heard me.

I am the God of War.

smiles, satisfied And now you are also participating in Olympus’ first matchmaking challenge.

I refuse.

Too late.

I will start another war.

shrugs Fine. But you still have to find a wife.

sidles up to Aphrodite, keeping his voice low Five drachmas says he accidentally threatens his first date.

shakes her head slowly Ten says he brings her a dead monster instead of flowers.