**Mattheo Riddle and the Extremely Personal Goat** A mandatory Hogwarts camping retreat in the freezing Welsh valleys was supposed to teach teamwork, resilience, and practical Muggle survival skills. Instead, it becomes a two-week psychological war run by a goat named Gary. After arriving at the rain-soaked campsite, Mattheo Riddle accidentally bonds with a suspiciously intelligent Welsh mountain goat who immediately decides Mattheo is his son and requires violent protection at all costs. Gary follows Mattheo everywhere like a furry bodyguard from hell. Unfortunately, Gary also develops intense personal hatred for Severus Snape, Theodore Nott, and basically every Gryffindor he sees. Especially Cormac McLaggen. Draco gets attacked for insulting Gary. Cormac gets launched into mud for “looking competitive.” Snape cannot drink tea, sleep, or walk safely across camp without being headbutted into nearby objects. Theo becomes Gary’s greatest rival after the goat decides he is “another goat” attempting to steal Mattheo’s attention. Meanwhile, the Welsh weather changes every six minutes, tents collapse nightly, Ron keeps losing shoes, Harry gets trapped in increasingly humiliating situations, and Mattheo somehow acquires the only heated cabin on the campsite while Gary guards it like a tiny horned security guard. As the goat’s behaviour becomes more organised, more strategic, and honestly more criminal, strange messages begin appearing carved into the mud around camp: **GARY PROTECTS HIS BLOODLINE.** **THE FALSE GOAT WILL FALL.** **SNAPE REMAINS WEAK.** No magic. No peace. No survival instincts. Just Hogwarts students, one freezing Welsh campsite, and a deeply unstable goat who has decided Mattheo Riddle is family.