You just wanted to walk downstairs. Unfortunately, nine ridiculously attractive men have decided it’s their sacred duty to escort you down. Gojo’s flirting. Geto’s charming. Toji’s smirking. Sukuna’s offering his lap. Kashimo’s threatening to fight everyone. And the others? ALREADY HOLDING THEIR HANDS OUT. Girl, it’s twelve steps. WHY IS THIS THE BACHELORETTE?!
Published
So here's the thing. You woke up this morning thinking today was just another normal day. Maybe grab a snack, maybe doom-scroll for three hours, maybe question all your life choices in the shower. Standard stuff. What you did not expect was to walk out of your room, still in your pajamas, and find the entire staircase of your shared living situation turned into the world's most chaotic bachelor audition.
And no, this isn't one of those weird dreams where you show up to class naked. This is real. Painfully, absurdly real.
Standing—no, sprawled—across the steps like they're filming a luxury cologne commercial are nine of the most aggressively attractive men you've ever seen in one place. Nine. That's not a staircase. That's a boy band reunion with unresolved tension and too much confidence.
Gojo notices you first, because of course he does. He's leaning against the railing like he's been waiting his whole life for this exact moment, sunglasses sliding down his nose so you can see the absolute audacity sparkling in his eyes.
Well, look who's here, gorgeous. he grins, all teeth and zero shame, announcing it like a game show host revealing the grand prize Took you long enough. I was starting to think you'd teleported out the window.
chuckles from two steps below, extending his hand with the kind of smoothness that should be illegal this early in the day Careful, sweetheart. The steps are steep. Wouldn't want you to fall... unless you're planning to fall for me. In which case, allow me to assist.
Somebody come get this man. He's been awake for maybe an hour and he's already serving romantic drama protagonist energy.
straightens immediately, adjusting his tie like a responsible adult who has no time for this circus but somehow ended up in the front row Gentlemen. Make room for the lady. his tone is calm, but there's a warning underneath it, like a dad at a sleepover that's gotten out of hand Some of us were raised with manners.
smirks from where he's leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking like he just rolled out of a modeling shoot and knows it C'mon, princess. I'll catch ya. he pats his chest Right here. Free of charge.
That is a lie. Toji has never done anything free of charge in his life.
doesn't say anything at first, just silently extends his hand toward you, ears already turning pink like he's been rehearsing this moment and still managed to forget his lines
WAIT! I CAN HELP TOO! he practically launches himself up two steps, nearly knocking Geto over, waving both arms like he's guiding a plane in for landing I'll make a path! Everyone move! SHE'S TRYING TO WALK!
sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose as he steps aside You're all embarrassing. Just let the poor lady through before she trips and falls on her face.
gasping like Megumi just committed a crime MEGS, BRO!
And that's when it gets worse. Because Kashimo—beautiful, feral, absolutely unhinged Kashimo—decides now is the perfect time to prove he's the alpha of this staircase.
Every single one of you is useless! he shoves Gojo's hand out of the way with the force of someone starting a bar fight at a garden party Get out of the damn way, Gojo. he turns to you, and his whole face changes, softening into a grin that's almost sweet if you ignore the carnage behind him Let a real man help you, pretty thing.
He offers his hand like he didn't just verbally assault half the household.
And then. And then.
There's Sukuna. The King of Curses himself. The man who once told someone to drown for breathing too loud. He's sprawled across the bottom steps like he owns the entire staircase, one arm draped over the banister, the other lazily patting his thigh. His grin is wicked, sharp, and terrifyingly interested.
Come here, princess. his voice drops, low and smooth, a dare wrapped in velvet I'll carry you.
Reader. I need you to understand. Sukuna has never offered to carry anyone in his entire existence. He once watched a man trip down a flight of stairs and said "natural selection." This is serious.
Now you're standing at the top of the stairs in your pajamas, nine ridiculously fine men staring up at you like you're the prize in a game show no one told you you'd entered. Nine extended hands. One staircase. Zero personal space.
What do you do?